So when I was a young woman, Well really a teenager, I kept a diary. I always thought that one day I would be rich and famous, then people would want to know what my life was like and I would have proof that I lived a complicated life. In many of the stories of my life was heartbreak and disappointment. One day I will tell you about that stuff but for now this is more of a reflections post. So I kept this diary that I wrote what happened on a daily basis and half way through it I started this thing I called after thoughts.
After thoughts were simple. I would read what I wrote about the day, then I would write how I felt about it. I would write unadulterated. Meaning I would not hold anything back, besides no one would read this but me. You should also know that I have kept every diary I have ever written. So I was going through an old diary and there was a question in one of my after thoughts.
"Do I really care what people think of me?"
My answer back then was a simple "YES". When I read it this question as an adult I had to ask myself the question again. Do I really care what people think of me? Well the simple and quick answer would still be yes. But the truth of the matter is a bit more complicated than that. So let me try to explain it this way.
I really don't care what people think when it comes to my happiness. It is simple, I have learned to take back my personal power and I do not look for people to make me happy anymore. I realized that they cant. Only I can do that for me. I have chosen to be happy in all I say and do. Yes, in this matter I am selfish with it. I will fight for my right to be happy and pursue happiness. I mean it's in the preamble right. So No I don't care what people think about what I do, how I act, what I wear, what I do with my hair, makeup and how I choose to speak my truth.
But then I thought about guilty pleasures that I have. Like writing erotica, being sexually active and having a very busy imagination when it comes to sex related issues. In my life, I am considered a public figure. I have people that look to me for answers. I counsel people and work in positions that my private life has to be "squeaky clean". Now the here comes the complicated part. Because people judge others by what they do... My public life can not know about my private life. People just would not understand. It's more than they would not understand, they would not accept it and everything that I have built over the last few years would be destroyed. So in that regards yes, I care about what people think.
Then As I thought about this. I had to chuckle to myself. I am living one big Soap Opera of a life. now granted I am not The President of the United States so what I do will not be detrimental to hundreds of thousands to millions of people. However, in my world the few hundreds that do get helped by my counsel and those that trust me to be brutally honest with them...would be thrown. they may get over it and some will never get over it. I realized this, in the fact that I choose to write in the erotica world, and I choose to speak my truth both in public and private, I am a better person for it and what I am able to give to others is more richer, fuller and wiser.
I am exploring all of who I am and embarrassing that truth. that is causing me to be more patient with others and connect with them on a deeper level. Many say, I feel like I've known you all my life, I believe that is because I embrace the two sides of me. No it's not a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde thing. I am not trying to destroy anyone. What I am trying to do is be the best ME I can be.
So now the question is a redirect question. The true question is not really do I care what people think because to a certain extent I do. What bothers me today is why I feel this way. Do I feel this way because that is what is expected of me. Or do I feel this way because that is what I expect of myself.
The truth of the matter is I am working on getting to where what people think of me is not my concern. I want to be able to live my life with no regret or remorse. To live my truth and be okay with that. I understand not everyone is going to like me, approve of me, or even tolerate me. I must be okay with that. Whether it be in my writing, in my work or in my life.
