What Do you Think Of That

So when I was a young woman, Well really a teenager, I kept a diary. I always thought that one day I would be rich and famous, then people would want to know what my life was like and I would have proof that I lived a complicated life. In many of the stories of my life was heartbreak and disappointment. One day I will tell you about that stuff but for now this is more of a reflections post. So I kept this diary that I wrote what happened on a daily basis and half way through it I started this thing I called after thoughts.

After thoughts were simple. I would read what I wrote about the day, then I would write how I felt about it. I would write unadulterated. Meaning I would not hold anything back, besides no one would read this but me. You should also know that I have kept every diary I have ever written. So I was going through an old diary and there was a question in one of my after thoughts.

"Do I really care what people think of me?"

My answer back then was a simple "YES". When I read it this question as an adult I had to ask myself the question again. Do I really care what people think of me? Well the simple and quick answer would still be yes. But the truth of the matter is a bit more complicated than that.  So let me try to explain it this way.

I really don't care what people think when it comes to my happiness. It is simple, I have learned to take back my personal power and I do not look for people to make me happy anymore. I realized that they cant. Only I can do that for me. I have chosen to be happy in all I say and do. Yes, in this matter I am selfish with it. I will fight for my right to be happy and pursue happiness. I mean it's in the preamble right. So No I don't care what people think about what I do, how I act, what I wear, what I do with my hair, makeup and how I choose to speak my truth.

But then I thought about guilty pleasures that I have. Like writing erotica, being sexually active and having a very busy imagination when it comes to sex related issues. In my life, I am considered a public figure. I have people that look to me for answers. I counsel people and work in positions that my private life has to be "squeaky clean". Now the here comes the complicated part. Because people judge others by what they do... My public life can not know about my private life. People just would not understand. It's more than they would not understand, they would not accept it and everything that I have built over the last few years would be destroyed. So in that regards yes, I care about what people think.

Then As I thought about this. I had to chuckle to myself. I am living one big Soap Opera of a life. now granted I am not The President of the United States so what I do will not be detrimental to hundreds of thousands to millions of people. However, in my world the few hundreds that do get helped by my counsel and those that trust me to be brutally honest with them...would be thrown. they may get over it and some will never get over it. I realized this, in the fact that I choose to write in the erotica world, and I choose to speak my truth both in public and private, I am a better person for it and what I am able to give to others is more richer, fuller and wiser.

I am exploring all of who I am and embarrassing that truth. that is causing me to be more patient with others and connect with them on a deeper level. Many say, I feel like I've known you all my life, I believe that is because I embrace the two sides of me. No it's not a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde thing. I am not trying to destroy anyone. What I am trying to do is be the best ME I can be.

So now the question is a redirect question. The true question is not really do I care what people think because to a certain extent I do. What bothers me today is why I feel this way. Do I feel this way because that is what is expected of me. Or do I feel this way because that is what I expect of myself.

The truth of the matter is I am working on getting to where what people think of me is not my concern. I want to be able to live my life with no regret or remorse. To live my truth and be okay with that. I understand not everyone is going to like me, approve of me, or even tolerate me. I must be okay with that. Whether it be in my writing, in my work or in my life.

Sex, So what is this all about?

I never understood why people get so worked up about sex. It's dirty some say, it's bad others say, it's the best thing since sliced bread, still others would say. I think this... sex is sex. If you have the right partner sex can be enjoyable, pleasurable and very very good. If you have the wrong sex partner, well then do I really need to say it.

Many people spend a life time trying to have sex, some have quite too much and then there are those that have it and cant wait until they can have it again.

Sex means different things to different people, and what it means to you might be having a big effect on your relationship. What is sex?

The dictionary says that sex is sexual activity, including specifically sexual intercourse. Now that sounds like a nice pretty definition of what we all want. But I also found this article by Brian Moylan entitled "The Definition of "Sex". In this article he quotes a study that was done by The Kinsey Institute for Higher Sexication.

The study says, 95 percent of people agree that when a penis goes into a vagina then "sex"—that thing that we have spent so much much, waged so many wars, and sweated so many hours in the gym to attain—has occurred. However, 11 percent of people say that if there was no ejaculation, then there was no "sex." Also 30 percent of people think oral sex is not "sex" and 20 percent believe that anal sex is not "sex" even though they both have "sex" in the title.

You may be laughing because you're sure we all know what "sex" means, right? Well, not really. Do you remember that former President Bill Clinton, said he had NOT had sex with "that woman," and lots of people believed he was simply lying? He had a different definition of what sex means. Many people think that only sexual intercourse is sex and that anything short of full intercourse, no matter how intimate, is just not sex. Think of young women or men who may have done lots of pretty intimate sexual things but never had intercourse. What sex means to them may be different than to others. They still say they are virgins and they're right. So you need to be sure you and the people you talk to about the topic are on the same page about what sex means.

Now, notice that in the above paragraph, we use the term sexual intercourse or intercourse. Everyone knows exactly what sex means, right? Again, not really. When 300 Yale students were asked to define what sex means, they offered a wide range of answers. Some said, "It's any kind of intimate sexual touching." Others thought it wasn't true intercourse unless there was simultaneous, mutual climax. In fact, sex means that the man's penis enters the woman's vagina. Even dictionaries vary in their definitions of what sex means. Some include male ejaculation in the definition, others don't. Maybe the inclusion of ejaculation in the definition reflects a very reproductive view of intercourse, but it is not an accurate or practical definition.Now back to the study, The study concludes that there is a disagreement about what constitutes "having sex." I hate confusion, so I am going to break it down for you: "Having sex" means any consensual behavior between two or more individuals involving genital contact and bodily penetration. That means oral sex, anal sex, and vaginal sex are all "sex." Sorry, guys on the DL, even if you have anal sex (top or bottom) with guys means you still "have sex" with men. It is also "sex" if no orgasm or ejaculation occurs. If you put a penis (or vagina) in your mouth in a coat room for 30 seconds, you had "sex" with that person. It was probably short and unfulfilled for both parties, yes, but it was still sex. "Sex" also includes any activity that happens in the presence of prophylactics. Just because you wore a condom, does not mean you didn't bang that fat chick who lived in the room next to yours sophomore year. :)

Another confusing term is one that doctors sometimes use. They may ask if you are "sexually active." One woman we heard about said, "No, I just lie still." Joke. The doctor probably wants to know if the patient has had or is having sexual intercourse, not because the doctor is nosy, but so that she or he can talk about contraception, safer sex, and/or whether the patient has any questions or worries about sex.

Then there are all the terms that are used in casual conversation, for example, "hooking up." We THINK most people use it to refer to two people meeting and having a rather casual, probably one-night sexual encounter that may or may not include intercourse. We suspect that these casual terms change their meaning from time to time and may even mean different things in different places.

This leaves some leeway for hand jobs, heavy petting, and general rubbing. However, if any of these behaviors occurred and the subject of sex is brought up, they must be acknowledged. It's like being charged with a felony but not convicted. So if you jerked a guy off in a New Jersey truck stop and someone asks, "Did you have sex today?" You can say, "No," but you must add, "But I did jerk someone off." Also, if you reached into a girl's pants and played around a bit while making out before being interrupted by your screaming wife who yells, "Are you having sex with her?" you can say, "No!" but you must add, "I was just playing around in her pants a bit."

That, everyone, is the definition of sex. It's kind of like pornography, it's hard to define, but we know it when we see it. The rest of it is just semantics so we can make ourselves not feel like dirty sluts or get away with cheating on a significant other. Really only lawyers and eight-year-olds play semantics and only religious prudes are ashamed of sex. And no one likes any of those.

I Was Just Fourteen When It Happened

Okay so let's start with my earliest memory of losing my virginity. Well at least the earliest memory I have have of consenting to sex. The reason I say it this way, is that my sexuality was awaken at the tender age of six. However, I did not have sexual intercourse until I was 14. And boy was it not worth remembering. But I remember it because of the lesson I learned that day.

So here's the story as I remember it. I was 14 and in the ninth grade. My Best friend was a bit more sexually active than me and her boyfriend had a friend who was looking for a girlfriend. She thought we might make a nice couple and introduced us. I cant remember how long we talked on the phone before we decided to meet. It was all in the name of fun and love.

Well, the day arrived that we finally met. My BFF and I were at her house waiting for the her boyfriend and his friend to show up. We skipped school during the Morning classes to get a taste of the wild side. When they arrived, I went into my BFF's bedroom with Pat. Yes the guy's name was Patrick we called him Pat for short. Go figure. Anyway, I was with him in her room and she and her boyfriend went to her parents room.

After an awkward time we started getting undress. I remember not feeling embarrassed to be naked in front of him but sort of wanting to know what he was thinking. I have always had large breasts (Natural) so when I took off my bra, his eyes were glued to my breasts. I laid down on the bed and waiting for him to finish undressing and lay beside me. When he did, I remember him sort of touching me but he was a bit nervous. I knew he had done it before but I really had nothing to compare him to.

We kissed and he fondled me. Then all of a sudden he was on top of me and my legs wrapped around his waist.

Now the bad stuff starts to happen. He could not find the hole. It was like he was on a fishing expedition. I became frustrated and told him to get off me. He was not completely hard and when he did actually find the hole, he would slip out. I was extremely wet from the little fore play that had went on.

So after I became frustrated, he got off me and I started to get dress. ready to make this first attempt a no fly zone. He asked me not to put my panties back on. I did as he asked. He asked me to lay back down on the bed. When I was laying on the bed, he began to finger me.

I thought  Well if this is all i get I better enjoy it. This went on for a few minutes before he was stretching out over me again. This time not giving me time to take off my clothing and he found the inside of my cunt just fine. I thought things might be looking up but then he....

Thrust, thrust and thrust again. I could feel him sliding inside of me but he was not a huge penis like everyone had said. Five minutes later he was shooting his cum inside of me. I did not feel different. I did not feel new, or bad, I just felt.

Needless to say my first romp around in the hay was less than spectacular and to my delight they would get much more desirable.

I will say this that when I got to school in the afternoon, I could still feel the imprint of him for the next few days. I kept wondering is this it? I loved sex, I loved the penetration  the fingering and the soft kissed. Sometimes you have to make the most of all that occurs. Other times what occurs is best on described as an fucking  believable.

So there you have it more to come soon.



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Love Is The Flip Side Of Heart Break

In life many time we will be heart broken. I cant explain why some things break our heart and other don't  I just know that the pain is real. Whether it is a child that breaks a mother's heart or a lover that leaves us devastated and confused.

So, I have tried to shield myself from such painful memories but I must admit even the hardest of us get wrapped too tight around another person and eventually we feel the pain of the torn. Isn't that how it feels like someone is just tearing your heart into pieces. Like your life has stopped and for all intents and purposes you are just a shell.

I think that people would like to say of Just get over it, however, when it's there heart they are wanting the sympathy and empathy they could not give to another.

the truth of the matter is this, in love you will have have to risk getting your heart broken. What's the old saying, "It's better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all." I think this is a very true statement. I know too many people that are dwarfed in the love department because they chose not to love. Not to experience that joy of caring from another individual with all your heart, soul and body. 

These individuals for whatever reason feel unlovable  unlucky and untouchable. However, they stomp on the hearts of those that they come in contact with. They cant give love but love is given to them and they have no clue to what to do with it. They are like a bull in a china cabinet. Stomping around and destroying everything in their path. 

Love is a beautiful thing, however if you love right...sometimes it will lead to heart break!

Real Deal About Love and Me

So I was thinking today how I really want to fall in love with a man. However, love hurts right. So I have come to grips with living my life the way that I do. I experience some form of love it's not deep and it doesn't take my breath away and when it's over, my heart is not so broken.

Now some would say that it a cop out but here's the deal. It's better to love a little than never love at all. I understand that one day my great love will come and when it does, I will welcome it with open arms. I am just ready to give myself to every tom dick and harry that wants a taste of the pie and call it love. What it really is, is just I was horny, they were horny and we meet on common grounds.

Many girls are looking for a love that will last and they are willing to fall in love with everyone along the way. they become confused and depressed when love slaps them in the face. No I am not a bitter girl, well I use to be but now I just see things as they are and I understand that love can be very evasive. I mean really look at all the sad love songs out there.

When you really think about there are more sad love songs then they are happily ever after songs. I leave you with this... One of my favorite groups to date is Maroon 5 and they sing a song called Payphone... Check this out:

I'm at a payphone trying to call home
All of my change I spent on you
Where have the times gone, baby it's all wrong
Where are the plans we made for two?

Yeah, I, I know it's hard to remember,
The people we used to be...
It's even harder to picture,
That you're not here next to me.

You say it's too late to make it,
But is it too late to try?
And in our time that you wasted
All of our bridges burned down

I've wasted my nights,
You turned out the lights
Now I'm paralyzed,
Still stuck in that time,
When we called it love,
But even the sun sets in paradise

I'm at a payphone trying to call home
All of my change I spent on you
Where have the times gone, baby it's all wrong
Where are the plans we made for two?

If "Happy Ever After" did exist,
I would still be holding you like this
[Video:] All those fairy tales are full of shit
[Album:] All those fairy tales are full of it.
[Video:] One more fucking love song, I'll be sick.
[Album:] One more stupid love song, I'll be sick

Oh, you turned your back on tomorrow
'Cause you forgot yesterday.
I gave you my love to borrow,
But you just gave it away.

You can't expect me to be fine,
I don't expect you to care
I know I've said it before,
But all of our bridges burned down

I've wasted my nights,
You turned out the lights
Now I'm paralyzed,
Still stuck in that time,
When we called it love,
But even the sun sets in paradise

I'm at a payphone trying to call home
All of my change I spent on you
Where have the times gone, baby it's all wrong
Where are the plans we made for two?

If "Happy Ever After" did exist,
I would still be holding you like this
[Video:] All those fairy tales are full of shit
[Album:] All those fairy tales are full of it.
[Video:] One more fucking love song, I'll be sick.
[Album:] One more stupid love song, I'll be sick
Now I'm at a payphone

[Clean radio version verse:]
Yeah, Yeah, Now baby don't hang up,
So I can tell you what you need to know,
Baby I'm begging you just please don't go,
So I can tell you what you need to know

[Explicit version verse (Wiz Khalifa):]
Man, fuck that shit
I'll be out spending all this money
While you're sitting round wondering
Why it wasn't you who came up from nothing,
Made it from the bottom
Now when you see me I'm stunning,
And all of my cars start with a push of a button

Telling me the chances I blew up
Or whatever you call it,
Switch the number to my phone
So you never could call it,
Don't need my name on my shirt,
You can tell it I'm ballin.

Swish, what a shame could have got picked
Had a really good game but you missed your last shot
So you talk about who you see at the top
Or what you could have saw but sad to say it's over for.
Phantom pulled up valet open doors
Wiz like go away, got what you was looking for
Now it's me who they want, so you can go and take
That little piece of shit with you.

I'm at a payphone trying to call home
All of my change I spent on you
Where have the times gone, baby it's all wrong
Where are the plans we made for two?

If "Happy Ever After" did exist,
I would still be holding you like this
[Video:] All those fairy tales are full of shit
[Album:] All those fairy tales are full of it.
[Video:] One more fucking love song, I'll be sick.
[Album:] One more stupid love song, I'll be sick
Now I'm at a payphone...

Happy New Year Final Thoughts

Happy 2013 to you!!

So here we are in the final hours, at least on the west coast for 2012. So, Let we first start off by wishing you and yours and Happy and prosperous New Year.

So now I thought this would be a great time to talk more about me and my journey. I thought 2012 was a pretty interesting year. I had a lot of good times, but I had some very hard times too. I made a lot of changes but the most important change I made in 2012 was to be ME. Stop trying to hid the nature of who I am. Stop making myself miserable because of what others thought of me.

Some say I have great potential, and you know what. they are right. But it's not because I don't curse, or I do what they me want me to do. It's because God gave me talent to write, sing, even give a fuck speech to move people to action or regret. I could say it is genetic but I don't really think so. It was just who I was created and destined to be. It's a fucking gift from God! deal with it.

Other say I am a waste of a good egg, why because again I will not submit to their will. So what do I say to them, you got it FUCK you! I am who i am and I learned with all my mistakes, all my failures, successes, great ideas and bad ideas. I truly love me. It took me a while to get here too. Actually it took me way too long. Giving my power to others just made me miserable in the end.

I tell people all the time, I tried to be what everybody wanted me to be and I failed miserably. Many of those people that tried to "mold" me into something special are not even in my life today.

So 2012, is just about over, and what do I have to show for it. A heart that is mending, and life that is just starting and a smile that says I have not given hope. My hope is not in riches, love or even fame. My hope is in me. I have to potentially to set goals, live a life of purpose and become who I am destined to become.

Oh you want to know about sex, well, I must say in 2012 outside of masturbate and wet dreams, yes guys, girls have them too. It's been pretty non-existent. but that's going to change; because this bitch is in heat  LOL.

So now that 2013 is asking me to open up and let HIM in, I going to spread this legs wide and let him fuck me hard. no not fuck in the bad since. But I talking about that orgasms that makes you keep his lazy ass around because he ain't good for nothing but damn, he can fuck you six ways sideways. Yeah that kind of Fuck. 2013 and I are going go hard and make shit happen.

What about you. Happy Fucking NEW Year  make it count. Remember you only have one life and it will pass and be gone. Let it count for something.

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Celebrate Life Happy New Year!

Why The Blog

Who I am is not really important as what I have to say. I think we all want to be free to say whatever the fuck we want and not have to give an account to anyone. Why, because we could really give a shit what others think anyway. But in the world that we live in we cant do that. Sometimes we just want to yell at people and say you stupid idiot...just tell me you don't really love me, or you were going to break my heart or even the company was doing bad and last month when I brought that house, you could have hinted that in three month I would no longer be employed. There just so much fucked up shit in the world.

Now don't get me wrong this blog is not to complain... I more to talk about things I will not tell anyone in my life. I will make confessions here and will expose my heart but I will not hold back. My guess is not many will find this blog. So it's safe. But I will talk about real shit here.

For example, my broken hearts and what I really wanted to say, when that jerk cut me off the road what I should have done etc... but mostly I will talk about love, sex and the ultimate.., YAY baby orgasms. I have to have a place to release wouldn't you say.

So if you know me, hello, if you don't know me hello. I hope you will comment and share with me as I share feeling with you.

Now I don't know how often I will update but you will not miss the good stuff. In the beginning I have a lot to say so I will update often but as I pour out my heart I sure they will slow down but have no fear. My life is full of twist and turns. :)

So that is the overview of this blog. Hope you will enjoy as much as I will enjoy writing it.